07 May Rock meet bottom, now what?

A few days ago, I was going through an old notebook filled with random sketches and diary entries from a few years back. As I was reading through, one entry got me thinking about how we treat ourselves and how we try to help ourselves stand on our own two feet. Below the entry exactly as it was in my notebook, it’s messy, but so are emotions!

Austria – January 27th, 2018

Today, two days before my 30th birthday I broke my wrist doing something I love – snowboarding. As soon as my head hit the ice (thank fuck for helmets) I knew I broke it. Yet stubbornly I iced it, numbing the pain, and ignoring the fear of breaking it again in the process. The dread that overcame me was pushed aside by the sheer presence of my ego, overpowering all other emotions.

I have always been good at reading emotions, despite having been brought up in a family that chooses to ignore their existence.

‘So, hospital?’ The stark, thundering voice of my father echoes in my head, which is occupied decrypting the plethora of buzzing signals. ‘Nah… I am good…’ I answered back hiding both pain and fear.

The rest of the day was a blur as the pain, adrenaline, and stupidity kept me snowboarding. Right until my cousin requested to see the wrist. Upon seeing it swollen and black and blue she implored me to go to the hospital. I knew all too well it would result in a cast, but I kept hoping for a different outcome. Alas, the cast was placed accompanied by a note stating that I would need surgery.

I am broken, to the core of my being, I am broken. I feel, but hardly show. I breathe, but barely live. I think – but never act. I dream – but never achieve. This has been my ‘way’ for several years straight now, and the source of my low self-esteem. To anyone reading this that has met me or (thinks) they know me well, it comes as a complete surprise.

Somehow self-destruction works, dangerous things, and being loud, obnoxious, and present… it makes me feel. So, this recurring dream keeps following me through my playlist, but each time I reach for it, in a way it’s never ‘it’. Getting tired of losing and feeling like a loser. What do I do now…?

How I felt did not represent the life I had. Looking from the outside in, having a decent job, a loving family, caring friends (or so I thought, but that is a different topic altogether), a roof over my head and healthcare sounded like a pretty good deal. Despite that I felt defeated, lost, despaired and alone, it nearly damn broke my humanity. When I finally got the nerve to talk about it to the people around me the advice I got was ‘just be happy, you are a smart, good-looking, and healthy man’. Which let’s be honest, is some truly shit advice.

I was locked in thought and frozen in place, no action, no movement, just shadows. An ever-encroaching darkness. ‘You can do this alone’ I thought as I left the table and smiled at my parents for their hearty ‘Just smile, and life will be grand’ advice. I walked upstairs to seclude myself and have my thoughts run free as I numbed the rest with video games and movies.

Going inward helped me realise a few things, (1) I was a drama queen, (2) most people I thought closest to me sadly did not know me or understand what I was going through, and (3) I was not happy with my life.

When I asked myself, what do you want out of life? I couldn’t answer it fully (it’s a very difficult question after all). There were a few things I knew for sure I wanted. Travelling and exploring, finding meaningful connections with people, and to break free and breathe were quickly uncovered.

The wrist incident had (without me knowing it) brought me to my breaking point and ignited a chain reaction that would change my life for the better. I decided to focus on my top wants and finally do something instead of watching my life pass me by as an uninterested bystander.

WANT #1 – THE QUICK WIN, TRAVELLING AND EXPLORING

‘Bali is a place you have to visit. You will love it!’, the words of my boss echoed in my mind from a few weeks back. I instantly started checking out travel websites and started planning what the trip could look like. I closed my laptop, jumped into bed, and my last thought before dosing off was ‘How cool would it be to just book and go?’

When I pitched the idea to my family and friends (back then I still had the need to run everything by them) I got a unanimous ‘Why would you travel halfway around the globe just to see some nice blue water?’. Disheartened and full of doubt I got annoyed with myself for being influenced so easily. I shared my frustration with a buddy (in hindsight one of the few friends I have) and his response was ‘Here you go mate; I have a spare one so you can have it’ handing me over a large bright green and brown travelling backpack. I was so energised by the positive reaction of someone who encouraged me to go out there and live life that the next day I booked my flight for Bali. This was a turning point for me as it was the first trip, I had ever taken in my life alone. During my trip I met a lot of diverse people whom I had interesting and meaningful conversations with. On top of that, travelling from one place to another allowed me to spent time alone and to turn inwards focusing on my thoughts and emotions. In my solitude I came to a couple of realisations, one of which leads me beautifully to my want #2 (meaningful connections).

Side note: since Bali I have done more than 9 trips in 18 months, and as soon as the Covid-19 pandemic stops it’s the first thing I will do again.

WANT #2 – BUILDING MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS

Everything you do in life needs your attention and devotion to flourish, this applies to any endeavor, relationship, or action in life. I have always been a people person and relationships are very important to me. In realising most of my friends didn’t reciprocate with the same attention and devotion, I realised I was holding on to broken relationships. To me friendship should be about having mutual interests, having each other’s back, and motivating each other to be the best version of yourself at any given time. This was something I didn’t have from most of the relationships I had.

It was right after returning from Bali that I realised I had more in common with strangers on a holiday than I did with my family and friends back home. This is when I met Kelly, a colleague from work who left her home country to build a new life for herself. We quickly hit it off after an introduction to the team and kept talking hours after office closing. Looking back, it seems destined, but at the time (as natural as it was) it was convenient and fun as hell. Weeks passed and many conversations were held, I had found my new tribeswoman. ‘So, this is what it feels to be on the same frequency with another human being’ I caught myself thinking.

That was the beginning of a relationship that continues strong, but that is not what is of importance for this story. What is important is that through being able to share my thoughts, fears, dreams, and ambitions with a like-minded person helped me build courage. Courage to face the obstacles in life getting in the way of my top wants. ‘You can’t do it alone…’ she said, as if she knew what I was thinking at the time I walked away from that fated dinner table conversation where I got the sound advice to smile. ‘…you need a tribe’ she continued. Starting out, most tribes are very small. A handful of people, but really that is all you need, no? Start out with a person that has your back no matter what. That meant despite having history with a lot of people – which on its own is not the right criteria for friendship – it was time for a spring cleaning.

Hard as it was, this meant a heart to heart with each of them. I quickly concluded that the relationship was only supported by the history shared – but no longer by common interests or wanting to support one another through life. So instead of prolonging something that was bound to fail, I said my goodbyes.

At the end of it I was left with very few people. It felt good, because I had more time to build on the relationships that mattered. And in a long time, I was having more meaningful connections again.

WANT #3 – A SPRINGBOARD TO FREEDOM AND BREATHING

With my small tribe of like-minded people by my side, I finally had the support system I needed to break free and breathe. In order to achieve my first steps to breaking away from the habits of the past it meant a change of scenery. So, I moved away from my hometown, and found another job with a wide diversity of people.

To this day I am still figuring out for myself what it means to be free and allowing yourself to breathe. Up till now the only answer I have is find a place where you can fully be yourself, even if that means burning a few bridges – you owe it to yourself.

WRAP UP

When I think of how lost I felt in 2018 and how more positive and with a sense of purpose I feel today, I have come to the following conclusions.

Firstly, it’s not about what you do in life, but how you feel, and how you feel affects life more than what you do in life. So, it’s completely normal to have negative thoughts and emotions come your way. Welcome them, experience them, acknowledge them, and have an honest conversation with yourself and your tribe (occasionally you’ll need a spring cleaning).

Secondly, no matter how you feel or where you land, when it is over, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. We are our biggest enemy; we tend to self-inflict damage by putting ourselves down multiple times in a day saying that we are unworthy or don’t amount to much. Stop that right now. Corny as it sounds, give yourself a little credit and love because no one else will do it for you.

Thirdly, the brain is a muscle and like every other muscle in our body we can train it. I read the Idiot Brain by Dean Burnett and combined it with some additional research which helped me better understand how the little fucker is wired and works and how to help it support me instead of attacking me. The minute I realised this, I knew I could do something about it.

So, my advice, for anyone interested (take it or leave it) is, you can’t do things alone (but some alone time is good for you). Find your wants in life, and surround yourself with your tribe, select them carefully, and then the world is your oyster.